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LJ Idol - Week 1 - Am I Crazy?

When I first read this weeks topic, I have to admit, I started laughing and thought that it was going to be an easy topic to write about. Of course I'm crazy, anyone who knows me would probably have the same reaction I did, if I were to ask them that question. Of course, after sitting down to think about it for more than thirty seconds, I realized my flippant answer wasn't really indicative of how I actually felt about it. The word crazy.

I've actually heard it quite a bit lately from my World of Warcraft guildies. Doing a ridiculous amount of work to gear up numerous toons and work on legendary quests with all of them is apparently an insane act. I just see it as part of the game, and enjoy the hell out of it.

My coworkers use the phrase about my love of working afternoons, weekends. I don't have much of a so-called life, so why not work weekends and afternoons, a time most people would rather not be at work? It works well, I get to sleep late, and I don't have to worry about making up excuses to not go out with people, work's a perfect built in excuse.

Sometimes I feel the word crazy gets thrown around far too often, don't we all do things that other people think are completely ridiculous, and way out of our comfort zone?

But I guess to answer the question, sure, I'm a complete wacko. I find utter joy in dressing ridiculously sometimes, in talking to my animals as though they can answer me back, in pinching people and yelling "pinch pinch, I pinch you, I want to pinch you."

I rarely censor myself and I have terrible impulse control, so I suppose to a lot of people I do seem crazy, but really? I'm just doing things that make me feel good, or amuse me.

It's something I'm just learning how to do, to stop focusing on doing what other people will like, and what will make them happy.

So dammit, if I feel like dressing as a pirate wench to go to Wal-mart I will, and I'll have a goddamn blast doing it, and I don't think that's so crazy.

...then again, I am partaking in another season of Idol, so who knows!

Written for therealljidol </a>


[reposted post] LiveJournal

So, after nearly a decade at this site, LJ finally does something that makes me actually rage. No popcorn and laughing as the masses storm to news posts complaining, this time I'm actually worried.

A while back I was invited to help out with BETA testing new LJ services (I got this invite via lj_releases ).

They have just announced BETA testing of a new friendslist.

LJ is planning on redoing everyone's friendslists in the style of the new comment page and update page. They want to copy tumblr and make your friendslist into a dashboard-like system page (infinite scrolling and all). It's also been renamed to "feed" (this I don't mind too much, though). In fact the whole dashboard idea with infinite scrolling wouldn't be so bad if it weren't for the fact that everyone will be locked to one specific layout. The system style comment pages are bad enough, but now I'll have to strain my eyes reading my flist? That defeats the purpose of this entire site. The font, use of whitespace, oversized boxes and UI elements ... all contribute to making the page difficult to read, on a site where all you do is read. Aaaah. Even just the possibility of adjusting the font (style and size) would make this suggestion easier to swallow, but it's still not something I'd want for my journal. It would not improve my LJ experience in any way (in fact it would most likely make my daily LJ activities more time consuming).

Now, I wasn't able to make the BETA page display my own friendslist, so I apologise to the random users who are featured in the screenshot, but to give everyone an idea, the below image shows you what your friendslist probably will look like in a couple of months.

(Click for big)

[A couple of more screenshots]
I never switched over from Dystopia, so that adds to the weirdness. You're going to have to picture this with the standard LiveJournal drop down navigation + no blue sidebar to the left. Click the screenshots for bigger versions.

Top of page with links to journal, archive, profile

Example of text heavy post as displayed on friendslist

New buttons to the right replace the navigation strip. One tab for filters

One tab for Archive/Calendar, you can filter your feed to display posts from one specific date. These buttons follow along as you scroll down the page (infinite scrolling).

All friendslists will look the same.

Snippet from the locked post at lj_releases :
The friends page has been redesigned as a system page for all users, and is now available for Beta testers. There is a link at the top of your friends page allowing you to switch between the new and old versions, and will later go into public beta testing. You can switch back and forth between both versions throughout beta testing.

PUBLIC POST AT lj_releases ABOUT THE NEW FRIENDSLIST: http://lj-releases.livejournal.com/79480.html.

You can also see the proposed changes for yourself by enabling the BETA on your own journal (instructions from ruljautonews ):
It's trivially easy to test beta features.
1) Go to lj_ru_beta and request to join.
2) Wait to get confirmation that you've been accepted into the community (this could take a few hours.)
3) Go to this page and choose Go To under Beta.
4) That's it, you're now testing the beta release. All site-scheme pages should now display a big "BETA BETA BETA BETA BETA BETA" in yellow letters across the top.
5) You could make comments in the lj_ru_beta post, but if you do please keep this in mind: the majority of commenters there don't speak English and if they do it's not their primary language. Machine translation of Russian is lousy. "My hovercraft is full of eels" lousy. While you can engage in basic dialogue and get a feel for what the other person is saying, don't get too hung up on anyone's phrasing.

You can easily switch back to the old version.

Make sure you let LJ know what you think of these proposed changes, I can't be the only one who thinks this is a horrible idea.

ETA: It's nice to see that I'm not the only one worried about the proposed changes, but please direct your feedback through the proper channels. This is a private journal, I have no affiliation with LJ. Please also be respectful when addressing the LJ staff. They are just doing their jobs. Thanks!

ETA2: Russian news post about the BETA test: http://lj-ru-beta.livejournal.com/7013.html

ETA3: Added more screenshots.

ETA4: Additional info at ruljautonews : http://ruljautonews.livejournal.com/27964.html

ETA5: An update on the new site scheme.

ETA6: Public beta has now been announced. Official announcement.


Writer's Block: Socially Active

What are your favorite LJ communities?

hogwarts_elite of course! This isn't even a question, really XD I love these people and the awesome times we've had over the years.

LJ Idol Week 2 - Three Little Words

I've never been particularly good at friendships. At relationships. At people. I have a hard time being around folks who don't know me incredibly well (and these days there aren't many of those,) and having anything but inane conversations. The banal topics of the weather, and what was watched on TV the night before are my common go-tos, when I absolutely have to talk about something other than work.

I let people slip away, because it's easier. Usually. The thought that I could reach out is there, always, in the back of my mind, but the rest of it is taken over with the thought that while I could do that, if I don't, it doesn't give anyone further chance to hurt me. I've made some terrible friendship choices, somehow I always end up with the people who have no qualms about stabbing their friends in the back. So I don't reach out anymore.

These days though, there's this part of me, deep, deep down that's tired of it. Tired of being the person who people only come to when they have a problem. Tired of sitting home alone, bored and kinda lonely. I pretend that I'm fine with it, and that works, because it's easy. Easier than putting myself out there for more rejection, at least.

But I got this text the other day, from someone who I'm not even that close to, after posting on Facebook that I wasn't feeling well, telling me that I wasn't "allowed to be sick, and stop falling apart, dammit." And it brought a smile to my face, not because the thought of someone demanding my body behave was funny, or even a happy thought, but because someone sent me that text at all. She followed it up with an "I miss you" which actually made me cry, and wonder if maybe I was writing people off who I shouldn't be, even those who I wasn't that close to.

It makes me want to put myself out there, to try and re-find a good group of friends, maybe even a relationship, as lulzy as that thought is for anyone who knows me.

And what I hate to say, what I have a hard time admitting even to myself is...

I'm so afraid.

Post written for week 2 of therealljidol


LJ Idol!

So it's that time of year again. No, not NaNo time. therealljidol time!

This'll be my third year playing, and maybe, just maybe this year I can get a little farther before real life sucks my soul out again XD


Two roads diverged in a yellow wood
and sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveller, long I stood
and looked down one as far as I could
to where it bent in the undergrowth;

~The Road Not Taken - Robert Frost

I've moved from Germany, to Quebec, to Alberta, to Ontario. Then around in Ontario a few times.

I've gone from being a pipsqueak of a little kid to being a 21 year old.

I was a straight A student, a nerd of the highest order, and I plummeted to a barely scraping by with a C student.

Bubbly and social, I've turned into a complete introvert.

None of this would I change.

Well, no, that's a bit of a lie. I'd probably change the slacker part. I really do wish I'd gotten better grades in school. Hell, I wish I'd GONE to school more. And actually finished college. But I'd be a very different person than I am now. And I'm finally starting to be okay with who I am, and finally like myself. And that's because of the choices I've made in my past.

I've always made the easy choices in my life. Hard work and effort and I have never really been friends. I float by. The things that I really try for...well, they tend to be the stupid shit that I like. Not that things that I have to do.

But that's the choice I've made.


LJ Idol - Second Chance - Irreversable

and the days are drifting into seasons
they're the hardest I have ever known
a million spaces in the earth to fill but
there's no going home
no going home

~Kate Rusby & Kathryn Roberts - Exile

21 years old. College drop out. Single. Introvert. Anxious. Afraid of mistakes.

These are all things that describe me. But so does one other thing.

Back at home.

We've all heard since a young age that supposedly you can't go home again. It's in songs, the theme in TV, movies and books, and is drilled into us from every angle.

My biggest failure to date has been the fact that I've had to move home. I couldn't find a job, couldn't pay my rent without one, and would never have expected my parents to pay it for me. So I moved back to my parents house after being gone for three and a half years. It feels as though nothing's changed since I left the last time, except that now I have a job rather than high school to go to. I still keep my own schedule, do the same portion of the housework I did then, take care of the dog. At a baser level, nothing has changed.

Except that everything has.

My schedule no longer gets me in trouble as it did when I was 17, and my parents decided that my sleeping in until noon on the weekends was a problem. Now I sleep until noon most days, and not a word. I'm not afraid the way I was at 15/16/17 of being told that I was going to be kicked out. I've already left. It's turned into even more of a hollow threat than it was in the past. Oh no, I'm going to have to do something that I've done for the last three years? Horror. I have more freedom to do what I want, and live the life I want without my parents interfering (to a degree), and I love it.

So many good things have come from my moving home after time away, and it's great, and I wouldn't give it up for anything, especially because it was a very needed change.

But at the same time I miss that security net that I had as a minor, that knowledge that certain things, food and shelter were guaranteed. And I know nothing will ever manage to bring that back.


LJ Idol - Second Chance - Take Heart

I hate when people say "don't take things so personally." My mom says it to me all the time when I get upset over someone saying something. Which admittedly, is kind of a lot. I take a lot of things to heart. It's why I put on this facade of being a cold bitch, because it's just easier. It's easier to make people think that you just don't give a shit what they're saying about you, that it's no skin off your nose.

That way they don't win.

They don't see that what they're saying is hurting you, is getting you down. They don't gain the upper hand.

I was the kid, who in elementary school, from grade four on was made fun of...almost every day. Right up until I started high school. Well, no, even in high school, but I think my high school experience was pretty mild compared to a lot of peoples. But every day I was in school out in Alberta, I was made fun of. I had kids from the other schools making fun of me. Of course, by the time I hit grade 7, it didn't help that kids from those schools lived in my street, so I had to see them every day.

There was this one bitch named Melina, who lived two houses down from me, and one named Kayla who lived a few houses the other direction. They had this gang of kids who lived in the same area, who would waft back and forth between the two of them, whenever one of them suddenly decided we were friends, for a whole week! The other kids? Nuh-uh. They sided with whoever didn't like me that day. It got old quickly.

I never really got beat up. I didn't have people shoving me into lockers, throwing things at me, or trying to hurt me. Sure I got the occasional facewash in the winter, but who didn't? No, I got the stupid insults, the gossip behind my back. All the time, from everyone around me. I got it for every little tiny reason. I was tall. I was smart. I had red hair; freckles; glasses. I didn't shave. I didn't have any of the "big" things people got teased for.

But that doesn't make it hurt any less. And my mom used to tell me not to take it personally, that kids will be kids. But how do you not take it personally, when people are attacking, well, your person?

So I put on my disguise like a costume every day, I go out and I live my life. The people out there who feel like being like those girls I knew when I was little? They're never going to know they're winning.

I won't let them.

It may be personal, I may cry, but they won't win.


Second Chance Idol Re-Introduction

Sometimes we get second chances,
and sometimes we never make it past the first,
it really makes you wonder why some things happen when they do,
it really makes me wonder why it wasn't me instead of you

-Michelle Branch

I feel there's some sort of irony in this, me writing an introduction for a second chance at therealljidol .

I'm not big on second chances. I don't like to give them to people. Not because I don't think people have the ability to change, but because I think a lot of people just don't want to. I've been burned by people over and over, and I keep giving them chances. I don't know that I'll ever learn. But I have a hard time letting go of things. And not always for the best.

That's why I'm taking another run at this. I do want to change. And so much in my life has changed since this season of Idol originally started. My life was a complete mess then, and now I find myself living back with my parents, with a decent job (that I sort of hate, but hey it's a job), and actually dealing with some of my issues.

It's a lot of big changes in a really short amount of time, and at least now I sort of know who I am.

And hopefully this time I'll have time to actually write more than just an intro entry.

Also as an aside, Second Chances is one of my favorite episodes of my once upon a time favorite show, Crossing Jordan. So I am LOLing a little bit XD