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LJ Idol Week 2 - Three Little Words

I've never been particularly good at friendships. At relationships. At people. I have a hard time being around folks who don't know me incredibly well (and these days there aren't many of those,) and having anything but inane conversations. The banal topics of the weather, and what was watched on TV the night before are my common go-tos, when I absolutely have to talk about something other than work.

I let people slip away, because it's easier. Usually. The thought that I could reach out is there, always, in the back of my mind, but the rest of it is taken over with the thought that while I could do that, if I don't, it doesn't give anyone further chance to hurt me. I've made some terrible friendship choices, somehow I always end up with the people who have no qualms about stabbing their friends in the back. So I don't reach out anymore.

These days though, there's this part of me, deep, deep down that's tired of it. Tired of being the person who people only come to when they have a problem. Tired of sitting home alone, bored and kinda lonely. I pretend that I'm fine with it, and that works, because it's easy. Easier than putting myself out there for more rejection, at least.

But I got this text the other day, from someone who I'm not even that close to, after posting on Facebook that I wasn't feeling well, telling me that I wasn't "allowed to be sick, and stop falling apart, dammit." And it brought a smile to my face, not because the thought of someone demanding my body behave was funny, or even a happy thought, but because someone sent me that text at all. She followed it up with an "I miss you" which actually made me cry, and wonder if maybe I was writing people off who I shouldn't be, even those who I wasn't that close to.

It makes me want to put myself out there, to try and re-find a good group of friends, maybe even a relationship, as lulzy as that thought is for anyone who knows me.

And what I hate to say, what I have a hard time admitting even to myself is...

I'm so afraid.



Post written for week 2 of therealljidol

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Comments

( 49 comments — Leave a comment )
rhetoricians
Oct. 28th, 2011 05:03 am (UTC)
I know how you feel, bb. This was very raw stuff, and it showed. Props for putting yourself on the line like that.
vampedvixen
Oct. 28th, 2011 05:39 am (UTC)
I've been there. In fact, I'm going through a bout of this right now myself. Connecting to people is very hard work.. I think it's rewarding though, or at least I like to hope so.
sweeny_todd
Oct. 28th, 2011 06:23 am (UTC)
relationships are so hard. I can totally relate to what you have written!
tigrkittn
Oct. 28th, 2011 06:48 am (UTC)
I can relate to this so well! Bravo for putting it out there this way - great entry!
vaguelyclear
Oct. 28th, 2011 10:21 am (UTC)
I can definitely relate. *hugs*
solstice_singer
Oct. 28th, 2011 12:56 pm (UTC)
This was a really courageous piece to write. I'm not good with groups of people either, and often feel that I'm just not cut out for relationships. So, I can relate a little to what you've written here.
n3m3sis42
Oct. 28th, 2011 01:02 pm (UTC)
The first step is admitting it. You have that out of the way now. *hugs*
team_jessie
Oct. 28th, 2011 05:03 pm (UTC)
Powerful stuff! Nice work!
fizz
Oct. 28th, 2011 05:38 pm (UTC)
I can relate and I'm going through similar things to you at the moment.

This is very raw and powerful. I like it.
snack_size
Oct. 28th, 2011 07:11 pm (UTC)
poignant and very well written - and I know exactly how you feel, since right now I feel like I'm cocooning. I think you really integrated the fear part of this very well.
myrna_bird
Oct. 28th, 2011 08:24 pm (UTC)
Nice honest take.
raynbo0701
Oct. 28th, 2011 09:06 pm (UTC)
I totally understand the place this entry comes from. It's hard to break down those walls once they've been built.
rabid1st
Oct. 28th, 2011 09:25 pm (UTC)
We are all afraid, I think, somewhere deep inside. Those of us who aren't too calloused to feel, at least. Shared fears is one of the easiest ways to connect to someone. Just let them know that they are safe with you and there is no need to be afraid. Think about their fear not yours and let the sympathy carry you through the hard parts of it. People want to tell you about their sorrows and all you have to do is be willing to listen and nod.

Good luck getting out of your shell. As a fellow turtle, one who never knows what to say to anyone in person and never used to even try, you have my empathy.
from_the_pit
Oct. 28th, 2011 10:11 pm (UTC)
Finding friends is so hard, but so important. I hope you can get over your fear.
sffl
Oct. 28th, 2011 10:40 pm (UTC)
I'm afraid of putting myself out there, too. I.. just don't know how to approach people most of the time, or even what to say. Too afraid of being judged, I suppose.
basric
Oct. 28th, 2011 10:56 pm (UTC)
That is certainly putting yourself out there, Welcome. Nicely done.
zeitgeistic
Oct. 28th, 2011 11:35 pm (UTC)
It really is easier to let people slip away sometimes, as sad as that is. I hope you find a way to get over your fear. :)
vaudy
Oct. 29th, 2011 02:16 am (UTC)
I can relate to this so much. Thank you for sharing it.
poppetawoppet
Oct. 29th, 2011 02:20 am (UTC)
I had to look twice to make sure I hadn't wandered onto my own journal. Your three words describe the very heart of me, and boy is it hard get past.
qa
Oct. 29th, 2011 02:23 am (UTC)
I really relate to this. Great job.
frecklestars
Oct. 29th, 2011 12:03 pm (UTC)
I know. It sucks to be this afraid. *hugs*
noodledays
Oct. 29th, 2011 06:03 pm (UTC)
it can be a damn hard admission - good luck to you!
kehlen_crow
Oct. 29th, 2011 10:38 pm (UTC)
Thank you for writing this.
pinkslit
Oct. 30th, 2011 02:10 am (UTC)
Me, too.
Nice job.
tjoel2
Oct. 30th, 2011 02:43 am (UTC)
I can definitely relate to this post. I tend to push people away as well, men and women. It's sometimes feel so much easier to be alone, when you don't have to worry about what someone else it thinking or doing. Putting yourself out there can be terrifying, but it can also be very rewarding. I'm finally dating someone now, after pushing men away for 5 years. Go for it!
baxaphobia
Oct. 30th, 2011 12:02 pm (UTC)
Oh This hits home in a lot of ways. It's hard to trust when you've been so hurt. But there are truly good people out there. I've learned.
malinaldarose
Oct. 30th, 2011 12:09 pm (UTC)
Oh, I recognize this feeling....
whipchick
Oct. 30th, 2011 07:26 pm (UTC)
Your strong emotional connection to the material is very clear - you remind me, too, that there are people who would be happy to be reached out to if I wasn 't afraid of being a bother :)
mstrobel
Oct. 30th, 2011 08:42 pm (UTC)
<3 oh boy, I recognised SO much of that!
blythe025
Oct. 30th, 2011 09:39 pm (UTC)
I'm sure there are a lot of people who can relate to this, who feel closed off from other people. It's hard to open up and let yourself be vulnerable, exposed. Yes, there's a chance to get hurt, but there's also great possibility of something extraordinary, too.
lilycobalt
Oct. 30th, 2011 10:53 pm (UTC)
I can also relate. You can do it!
shimmerdream
Oct. 31st, 2011 01:36 am (UTC)
Wow, I can really relate to this. Nicely written.
fading_light
Oct. 31st, 2011 02:03 am (UTC)
I relate to this so much. I'm in sort of the same position myself. I've put myself out there before, and each time I was burned in some way. I hope that it helps to know that you aren't the only one out there that feels this way.
wolfden
Oct. 31st, 2011 03:29 am (UTC)
Raw and powerful stuff. I relate a little too well.
rhondabelle
Oct. 31st, 2011 04:13 am (UTC)
I'm the same way. I have a hard time with people. In real life or online. Very well written.
soicjuabba
Oct. 31st, 2011 01:09 pm (UTC)
Yeah! Gosh, aren't so many of us? Let's go be afraid together. :)
phoenixejc
Oct. 31st, 2011 01:15 pm (UTC)
Awesome entry! Thanks for opening up this way!! *hugs*
pixiebelle
Oct. 31st, 2011 05:08 pm (UTC)
I could totally relate to this. I have hardly any friends and never put myself or there either :/

caile
Nov. 1st, 2011 11:17 am (UTC)
I was not expecting those three little words, and like many people above, they hit home to me. Good work.
ecosopher
Nov. 1st, 2011 12:08 pm (UTC)
I'm not sure it's ever too late to reinvent yourself... even if it's so very scarey. I tend to write people off, thinking they can't possibly care much about me, so I know the feeling.

Big hug. The first step's the hardest!
dslartoo
Nov. 1st, 2011 12:53 pm (UTC)
Good on you for wanting to make the effort and get out there again. I've been in this headspace before (and am actually kind of still in it, having made only one or two friends since moving to a new state two years ago) so I can definitely sympathize.

But you're right: you probably ARE writing off people that don't need to be written off. Why not let them stick around for a while, hmm? Best of luck to you.

cheers,
Phil
minnesattva
Nov. 1st, 2011 12:53 pm (UTC)
maybe I was writing people off who I shouldn't be, even those who I wasn't that close to.

A similar admission on Facebook turned someone I know from an acquaintance I'd met once as a friend's girlfriend, into someone I am terribly close to indeed. She said (and says) I am able to say things she can't, and often as not it's ugly stuff.

My husband and I met through LJ at a time when I was very depressed and pouring my heart out. He helped me through that, and he helps me still, as I do him.

You never know where these people you don't know very well will take you. Be bold, and mighty forces will come to your aid.
megmaureen
Nov. 1st, 2011 04:27 pm (UTC)
I identify with this. A lot a lot.
m_malcontent
Nov. 1st, 2011 05:13 pm (UTC)
Courageous to write this piece. I do o.k. socially, but I think EVERYBODY suffers from this to one extent or another.

This entry proves you are thoughtful and self-aware, I bet you would be a great addition to anyone's group of friends.
imafarmgirl
Nov. 2nd, 2011 04:54 pm (UTC)
A great three words. I can really understand and sympathize.
karmasoup
Nov. 2nd, 2011 05:49 pm (UTC)
Wow. That's tough to admit, it's even tougher to confess. Amazing bit of being not at all afraid here, and thanks.
draconic_rogue
Nov. 3rd, 2011 02:39 am (UTC)
I think a lot of people can really relate to this, I know I can. This was a great entry.
mscc6422
Nov. 3rd, 2011 07:09 pm (UTC)
So true... That's all I can say...
nyxocity
Nov. 3rd, 2011 08:52 pm (UTC)
I've definitely been there. In some ways, I am still there. I go through phases, I think, trying and then giving up. You're brave to share your fear. :)
( 49 comments — Leave a comment )

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