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LJ Idol - Week 1

There are no two words in the English language, or any other that I speak, in which I remotely enjoy the words "I'm sorry." Those words make me cringe, because how often are they really meant? How often is the feeling behind them actually apologetic or sincere? How often are they just the words people grasp for when they have nothing else to say?

I'd rather hear silence.

My hatred of these words began when I was twelve. The scariest day of my life when my family basically, completely and utterly fell apart. The day my life changed, and nothing will ever fix the crack that started that day. Nothing will ever make things better, nothing will ever be able to make my heart feel whole again.

When I was twelve, my grandmother died on our driveway. The panic, the tears, the being sent to a friends while my parents went to the hospital with her. It wasn't fair. I wanted to be there too, why should I have to sit and wait, find out after everyone else? But there was nothing to find out. My mom said she'd be fine, so she was going to be completely okay, nevermind the fact that it was Feburary, no one knew how long she'd been lying there after her heart attack and she wasn't breathing for god knows how long.

My mom lied.

Three hours later when my mom finally came to get me, as soon as I saw her face, I knew. I knew she was gone. The woman who had been more of my mother than my real mother, taken away in the blink of an eye for absolutely no reason.

So when my mom tried to hug me, and the words I'm sorry came out of her mouth, I ran. Shoved my feet into my boots and bolted home, only to slam into my father who instantly grabbed me, wrapping his arms around me and muttering the words "I'm sorry" over and over.

I'm sorry? What did that even mean? There was nothing to be sorry FOR. It's not like he'd done anything wrong, and it certainly wasn't what I wanted to hear. I wanted to hear that it was going to be okay. I wanted to know that it was okay, just some terribly cruel joke my parents thought it would be funny.

It wasn't.

Going back to school two days later, because I couldn't stay home anymore, having already missed about three weeks thanks to a teachers strike that was going on, people who heard what happened kept coming up and saying they were sorry. People who never even met her. There was a part of me that just wanted to shake them and ask WHY they were sorry, they hadn't done anything. I would have rather someone a "Shit, that sucks" or a "Man, that's terrible, anything I can do?" To this day, I'd rather have an honest response like that, than an "I'm sorry." Even a bad joke. Like when my cat died, and my mom kept stroking my hair. The best comment anyone made that day? The only thing to make me laugh? "Maybe she's doing it because she doesn't have a cat to pet anymore." Granted, I acted angry, because it seemed like the appropriate response, and I regret it. Because I did laugh.

I'm so sick of "appropriate responses."

To this day, the only people I want to hear the words "I'm sorry" from are my parents. Because that day? That day they began to fail as parents and as a couple. She was the glue that held them together, and without her they refused to even try to pretend. They are the only people I want an "I'm sorry" from, for making me scared of ever being in a relationship, for having a disfunctional teenage-hood, and for never being able to get along, yet refusing to be apart.

But only if it's not empty words.

The words I'm sorry just make me shake my head and wonder why, when people haven't even done anything to be sorry for.

I hate that the words have become and empty gesture, and that I'm just as guilty of saying it because it's become the expected answer when someone goes through tragedy, or has a problem.

And it shouldn't be.



Oct. 16th, 2009 02:41 am (UTC)
Not everybody's "I'm sorry"s are empty words. Whenever I say "I'm sorry", I truly mean it.

I do know what you mean though with how those two words have become practically meaningless. Whenever I would tell anyone that I hadn't met my biological father, they would say, "I'm sorry." And I had the same reaction as you did - you didn't do anything! Don't be sorry! There's nothing to be sorry for! IT'S A GOOD THING!

I won't say I'm sorry for your grandmother's passing because of this entry, but I think you'll know how I feel. :)
Oct. 16th, 2009 02:48 am (UTC)
Usually when I say "I'm sorry", I'm empathizing with you (generic 'you' here) rather than apologizing for something I've done or not done.

"No, it's not my fault, but I feel for you and don't want you to hurt, and I'll do what I can to make it better." That's what I mean when I say, "I'm Sorry."

*shrug* My condolences on the passing of your grandmother. It gets easier over the years, but you never quite stop missing them...
Oct. 17th, 2009 08:27 am (UTC)
Same here. Like, I'm sorry for you/your loss/your situation.
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Oct. 18th, 2009 04:41 pm (UTC)
Most of the time when I say "I'm Sorry" people will reply with "It's not your fault" or "There was nothing you could have done".

And I tell them, "You're right, it's not my fault (or "there was nothing I could do"), but just the same, I care about you and am expressing my sympathy." It's my way of saying "I love who you are" and they generally accept it as such.