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LJ Idol - Week 4 - Sexual Ethics

Wow, I left this to the wire, didn't I? Well, in any case, I'm sure anyone who knows me and saw the topics probably saw this coming.

Throughout history, the ethics of sexuality have gone back and forth, from what amounts to polygamy being totally acceptable, to oh god, if you sleep with someone you're not married to...YOU WILL DIE. We're currently in a place where there's supposed sexual freedom (err, to a point) yet that doesn't seem to be the case. You sleep with too many people, and as a female you're branded a whore, a slut, dirty, what have you. As a male? It's almost accepted completely.

I'm nearly 20 years old, and I'm still a virgin. According to people I know, I'm a prude. I'm frigid. I'm chicken-shit.

The reason? Is none of the above. I haven't seriously dated anyone since ninth grade, and since I think thirteen is way too young an age to start getting it on, well that clearly wasn't happening.

Why haven't I dated since?

Easy. I have standards. People tell me they're too high, and I disagree. Why is it ridiculous to think I would want to date someone who I'm attracted to, both mentally and physically? I don't want to date someone who's drop dead sexy, but has a complete lack of brain activity. Nor do I want to date someone who I feel absolutely no physical attraction to, but who I could talk with for hours and never get bored. Just haven't found the right medium.

But I digress.

It's not that I'm afraid, or just a prude. I'm not waiting till marriage, or for that oh my god! special moment. If people can make their choices to be out there sexually, and do whatever they feel is right, why is it that people take such issue with what I choose to do?

Hell, I've had a friend tell me to just "get it over with" and while I've thought about it, I just can't. It's not how I am, and it never has been.

If you look at other cultures, they have set standards as to what is and isn't acceptable. The one I live in isn't so stringent. You're given the ability to make your own choices, the chance to do what you feel is right for you. I've chosen to make this one, and I'm not sure what's so wrong about that.

The ethics of sexuality are not clearly defined, and have never been more confusing.

I hate feeling as though I'm being judged for not doing something, especially something with reprecussions like sex can have.

That whole looking before you leap thing, it's how I am about everything. It's not going to change just because people think I'm weird for still being a virgin. No matter what they say.



( 23 comments — Leave a comment )
Nov. 15th, 2009 01:03 am (UTC)
Well said. I'm a 31 year old virgin. People just don't get it. I wrote a similar entry last time this topic came around. As far as sex, I haven't gotten around to it, haven't found the right person, it just hasn't been right and that's it and I don't see the big deal, but like you, people tell me to get it over with.
Nov. 15th, 2009 01:07 am (UTC)
i applaud your stance completely.

fact is, people will judge you either way-- you're frigid or a whore, so tits to them; do what you feel is right.
Nov. 15th, 2009 01:09 am (UTC)
Well, see, I think there's a medium in there, but I mean, I have a friend and he's slept with oh, last count back in like April was 65 people.

He's 21. Like, that? I'm sorry, but I do NOT understand that. To me that's just crazy. It's just such an extreme that I'm boggled by it.
Nov. 15th, 2009 01:35 am (UTC)
there is, but people/society doesn't see it. there's no 'set' standard, so you can be insulted for just about everything, but then, it's just like everything else. if you're not too fat, you're too thin, and if you're not too smart, you're too thick...
Nov. 15th, 2009 01:10 am (UTC)
I was a virgin 'till I was 21, almost 22, despite having two long-term, serious relationships prior to losing it. it happens. people need to not be so judge-y.
Nov. 15th, 2009 01:30 am (UTC)
I don't think there's anything wrong with you. I think everyone has their own standards, and are no less relevant than the next person's. Honestly, more people probably should have higher standards!
Nov. 15th, 2009 01:39 am (UTC)
You remind me a lot of myself. I'm 25 and still a virgin, and just like you, I don't want to do it with just anybody so I can say I did it. I also have the same standards for attraction. I remember in high school, I had a friend who used to make it a point to tell everyone how unattractive her boyfriend (who is now her husband) was, but he was just so sweet. She was known for being a shallow person, so I think that was her way of showing she wasn't, but really, I thought it made her seem more shallow. Anyway, my point is that while looks shouldn't be the deciding factor, I can't be with someone I'm not at least somewhat physically attracted to.

I once went out with a guy who, in addition to many other things that were wrong with him, was four inches shorter than I was. When we held hands, I felt like I was leading around a kid I was babysitting. I was also light years ahead of him in terms of intelligence, and he didn't have very high expectations for himself. Our first date was our last.
Nov. 15th, 2009 01:41 am (UTC)
I once went out with a guy who, in addition to many other things that were wrong with him, was four inches shorter than I was.

I hate to say it, but this is one of my big isses. I'm tall for a girl, and while I have no problem dating a guy shorter than me, there's only so much shorter I feel I can go, because I don't want to feel the way you did, haha. And unfortunately for me most of the guys I know are shorter than me :P
Nov. 15th, 2009 05:21 pm (UTC)
I couldn't care less who's shorter.
Nov. 15th, 2009 01:43 am (UTC)
i just want to give you sn sincere 'You go girl!'

nothing wrong with having standards
Nov. 15th, 2009 02:34 am (UTC)
I'm one of those people who did "get it over with" and now I wish I hadn't. Because someone came along who is much more special then the jerk I lost it to. :(

Good for you, for sticking to your guns.
Nov. 15th, 2009 05:28 am (UTC)
Nov. 15th, 2009 04:24 am (UTC)
This is a very good point. I don't think your standards are too high. You're not holding out for perfection... just for someone who's worth your time. Really, why have it otherwise? Why are some people so afraid of being alone that they'll cling to someone they aren't really happy with?
Nov. 15th, 2009 11:14 am (UTC)
I think dating and sex and love and all that is something where you HAVE to have high standards!
Nov. 15th, 2009 06:46 pm (UTC)
I did the "just get it over with" thing. While I don't regret it, I wouldn't really recommend it.

I've been told I'm picky too, but at the same time when you decide to not be picky you get told i get told I have low standards. Ignore what anyone else says about these things, just do what will make you happy. It's your body, you're life and only you can chose what you want to do.

I think sexuality is a good example of how women still aren't equal to men. It's like you said a man can sleep with loads of women and while he gets called a player he's still seen as a cool dude, while women are just called whores. Also it's still seen as taboo for women to talk about sex shiz, while if you openly talk about vibrators or what you did to your man last night you're seen as "a modern woman", which I personally are proud to be but this can equally be spun to be very negative. when guys talk about it it's just seen as "typical guy". It's been acceptable for a lot longer while it's recently acceptable for girls.

Does that all make sense?
Nov. 15th, 2009 07:19 pm (UTC)
Thumbs up to you, for your choice and for your entry. Standards are good to have. If more people had them, this world might not be so messed up.
Nov. 15th, 2009 08:03 pm (UTC)
*raises hand* 25-year-old virgin here.
Nov. 15th, 2009 09:33 pm (UTC)
I think the only thing that matters is being true to yourself.
Nov. 17th, 2009 12:50 am (UTC)
When the time is right and the person is right, it'll happen. Nothing prude about it! :)
Nov. 17th, 2009 01:51 pm (UTC)
I think it's awesome that you are still a virgin; not all of us were given that choice. Be proud, stick to your standards, and don't worry about what other people say! :) Thanks for sharing!
Nov. 17th, 2009 05:30 pm (UTC)
I'm a 27 year old virgin and frankly it's a non-issue for me. If I find someone great, if not that's okay too
Nov. 17th, 2009 08:49 pm (UTC)
Good for you! Not because you are abstaining, but because you know what you want and what you don't and aren't letting your peers pressure you. Smile
Jan. 17th, 2011 09:58 am (UTC)
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( 23 comments — Leave a comment )