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LJ Idol Week 2 - Three Little Words

I've never been particularly good at friendships. At relationships. At people. I have a hard time being around folks who don't know me incredibly well (and these days there aren't many of those,) and having anything but inane conversations. The banal topics of the weather, and what was watched on TV the night before are my common go-tos, when I absolutely have to talk about something other than work.

I let people slip away, because it's easier. Usually. The thought that I could reach out is there, always, in the back of my mind, but the rest of it is taken over with the thought that while I could do that, if I don't, it doesn't give anyone further chance to hurt me. I've made some terrible friendship choices, somehow I always end up with the people who have no qualms about stabbing their friends in the back. So I don't reach out anymore.

These days though, there's this part of me, deep, deep down that's tired of it. Tired of being the person who people only come to when they have a problem. Tired of sitting home alone, bored and kinda lonely. I pretend that I'm fine with it, and that works, because it's easy. Easier than putting myself out there for more rejection, at least.

But I got this text the other day, from someone who I'm not even that close to, after posting on Facebook that I wasn't feeling well, telling me that I wasn't "allowed to be sick, and stop falling apart, dammit." And it brought a smile to my face, not because the thought of someone demanding my body behave was funny, or even a happy thought, but because someone sent me that text at all. She followed it up with an "I miss you" which actually made me cry, and wonder if maybe I was writing people off who I shouldn't be, even those who I wasn't that close to.

It makes me want to put myself out there, to try and re-find a good group of friends, maybe even a relationship, as lulzy as that thought is for anyone who knows me.

And what I hate to say, what I have a hard time admitting even to myself is...

I'm so afraid.



Post written for week 2 of therealljidol

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Comments

( 49 comments — Leave a comment )
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rhetoricians
Oct. 28th, 2011 05:03 am (UTC)
I know how you feel, bb. This was very raw stuff, and it showed. Props for putting yourself on the line like that.
vampedvixen
Oct. 28th, 2011 05:39 am (UTC)
I've been there. In fact, I'm going through a bout of this right now myself. Connecting to people is very hard work.. I think it's rewarding though, or at least I like to hope so.
sweeny_todd
Oct. 28th, 2011 06:23 am (UTC)
relationships are so hard. I can totally relate to what you have written!
tigrkittn
Oct. 28th, 2011 06:48 am (UTC)
I can relate to this so well! Bravo for putting it out there this way - great entry!
vaguelyclear
Oct. 28th, 2011 10:21 am (UTC)
I can definitely relate. *hugs*
solstice_singer
Oct. 28th, 2011 12:56 pm (UTC)
This was a really courageous piece to write. I'm not good with groups of people either, and often feel that I'm just not cut out for relationships. So, I can relate a little to what you've written here.
n3m3sis42
Oct. 28th, 2011 01:02 pm (UTC)
The first step is admitting it. You have that out of the way now. *hugs*
team_jessie
Oct. 28th, 2011 05:03 pm (UTC)
Powerful stuff! Nice work!
fizz
Oct. 28th, 2011 05:38 pm (UTC)
I can relate and I'm going through similar things to you at the moment.

This is very raw and powerful. I like it.
snack_size
Oct. 28th, 2011 07:11 pm (UTC)
poignant and very well written - and I know exactly how you feel, since right now I feel like I'm cocooning. I think you really integrated the fear part of this very well.
myrna_bird
Oct. 28th, 2011 08:24 pm (UTC)
Nice honest take.
raynbo0701
Oct. 28th, 2011 09:06 pm (UTC)
I totally understand the place this entry comes from. It's hard to break down those walls once they've been built.
(Deleted comment)
from_the_pit
Oct. 28th, 2011 10:11 pm (UTC)
Finding friends is so hard, but so important. I hope you can get over your fear.
sffl
Oct. 28th, 2011 10:40 pm (UTC)
I'm afraid of putting myself out there, too. I.. just don't know how to approach people most of the time, or even what to say. Too afraid of being judged, I suppose.
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( 49 comments — Leave a comment )