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LJ Idol Week 2 - Three Little Words

I've never been particularly good at friendships. At relationships. At people. I have a hard time being around folks who don't know me incredibly well (and these days there aren't many of those,) and having anything but inane conversations. The banal topics of the weather, and what was watched on TV the night before are my common go-tos, when I absolutely have to talk about something other than work.

I let people slip away, because it's easier. Usually. The thought that I could reach out is there, always, in the back of my mind, but the rest of it is taken over with the thought that while I could do that, if I don't, it doesn't give anyone further chance to hurt me. I've made some terrible friendship choices, somehow I always end up with the people who have no qualms about stabbing their friends in the back. So I don't reach out anymore.

These days though, there's this part of me, deep, deep down that's tired of it. Tired of being the person who people only come to when they have a problem. Tired of sitting home alone, bored and kinda lonely. I pretend that I'm fine with it, and that works, because it's easy. Easier than putting myself out there for more rejection, at least.

But I got this text the other day, from someone who I'm not even that close to, after posting on Facebook that I wasn't feeling well, telling me that I wasn't "allowed to be sick, and stop falling apart, dammit." And it brought a smile to my face, not because the thought of someone demanding my body behave was funny, or even a happy thought, but because someone sent me that text at all. She followed it up with an "I miss you" which actually made me cry, and wonder if maybe I was writing people off who I shouldn't be, even those who I wasn't that close to.

It makes me want to put myself out there, to try and re-find a good group of friends, maybe even a relationship, as lulzy as that thought is for anyone who knows me.

And what I hate to say, what I have a hard time admitting even to myself is...

I'm so afraid.

Post written for week 2 of therealljidol



( 48 comments — Leave a comment )
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Oct. 28th, 2011 11:35 pm (UTC)
It really is easier to let people slip away sometimes, as sad as that is. I hope you find a way to get over your fear. :)
Oct. 29th, 2011 02:16 am (UTC)
I can relate to this so much. Thank you for sharing it.
Oct. 29th, 2011 02:20 am (UTC)
I had to look twice to make sure I hadn't wandered onto my own journal. Your three words describe the very heart of me, and boy is it hard get past.
Oct. 29th, 2011 02:23 am (UTC)
I really relate to this. Great job.
Oct. 29th, 2011 12:03 pm (UTC)
I know. It sucks to be this afraid. *hugs*
Oct. 29th, 2011 06:03 pm (UTC)
it can be a damn hard admission - good luck to you!
Oct. 29th, 2011 10:38 pm (UTC)
Thank you for writing this.
Oct. 30th, 2011 02:10 am (UTC)
Me, too.
Nice job.
Oct. 30th, 2011 02:43 am (UTC)
I can definitely relate to this post. I tend to push people away as well, men and women. It's sometimes feel so much easier to be alone, when you don't have to worry about what someone else it thinking or doing. Putting yourself out there can be terrifying, but it can also be very rewarding. I'm finally dating someone now, after pushing men away for 5 years. Go for it!
Oct. 30th, 2011 12:02 pm (UTC)
Oh This hits home in a lot of ways. It's hard to trust when you've been so hurt. But there are truly good people out there. I've learned.
Oct. 30th, 2011 12:09 pm (UTC)
Oh, I recognize this feeling....
Oct. 30th, 2011 07:26 pm (UTC)
Your strong emotional connection to the material is very clear - you remind me, too, that there are people who would be happy to be reached out to if I wasn 't afraid of being a bother :)
Oct. 30th, 2011 08:42 pm (UTC)
<3 oh boy, I recognised SO much of that!
Oct. 30th, 2011 09:39 pm (UTC)
I'm sure there are a lot of people who can relate to this, who feel closed off from other people. It's hard to open up and let yourself be vulnerable, exposed. Yes, there's a chance to get hurt, but there's also great possibility of something extraordinary, too.
Oct. 30th, 2011 10:53 pm (UTC)
I can also relate. You can do it!
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( 48 comments — Leave a comment )