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LJ Idol Week 2 - Three Little Words

I've never been particularly good at friendships. At relationships. At people. I have a hard time being around folks who don't know me incredibly well (and these days there aren't many of those,) and having anything but inane conversations. The banal topics of the weather, and what was watched on TV the night before are my common go-tos, when I absolutely have to talk about something other than work.

I let people slip away, because it's easier. Usually. The thought that I could reach out is there, always, in the back of my mind, but the rest of it is taken over with the thought that while I could do that, if I don't, it doesn't give anyone further chance to hurt me. I've made some terrible friendship choices, somehow I always end up with the people who have no qualms about stabbing their friends in the back. So I don't reach out anymore.

These days though, there's this part of me, deep, deep down that's tired of it. Tired of being the person who people only come to when they have a problem. Tired of sitting home alone, bored and kinda lonely. I pretend that I'm fine with it, and that works, because it's easy. Easier than putting myself out there for more rejection, at least.

But I got this text the other day, from someone who I'm not even that close to, after posting on Facebook that I wasn't feeling well, telling me that I wasn't "allowed to be sick, and stop falling apart, dammit." And it brought a smile to my face, not because the thought of someone demanding my body behave was funny, or even a happy thought, but because someone sent me that text at all. She followed it up with an "I miss you" which actually made me cry, and wonder if maybe I was writing people off who I shouldn't be, even those who I wasn't that close to.

It makes me want to put myself out there, to try and re-find a good group of friends, maybe even a relationship, as lulzy as that thought is for anyone who knows me.

And what I hate to say, what I have a hard time admitting even to myself is...

I'm so afraid.

Post written for week 2 of therealljidol



( 48 comments — Leave a comment )
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Oct. 31st, 2011 01:36 am (UTC)
Wow, I can really relate to this. Nicely written.
Oct. 31st, 2011 02:03 am (UTC)
I relate to this so much. I'm in sort of the same position myself. I've put myself out there before, and each time I was burned in some way. I hope that it helps to know that you aren't the only one out there that feels this way.
Oct. 31st, 2011 03:29 am (UTC)
Raw and powerful stuff. I relate a little too well.
Oct. 31st, 2011 04:13 am (UTC)
I'm the same way. I have a hard time with people. In real life or online. Very well written.
Oct. 31st, 2011 01:09 pm (UTC)
Yeah! Gosh, aren't so many of us? Let's go be afraid together. :)
Oct. 31st, 2011 01:15 pm (UTC)
Awesome entry! Thanks for opening up this way!! *hugs*
Oct. 31st, 2011 05:08 pm (UTC)
I could totally relate to this. I have hardly any friends and never put myself or there either :/

Nov. 1st, 2011 11:17 am (UTC)
I was not expecting those three little words, and like many people above, they hit home to me. Good work.
Nov. 1st, 2011 12:08 pm (UTC)
I'm not sure it's ever too late to reinvent yourself... even if it's so very scarey. I tend to write people off, thinking they can't possibly care much about me, so I know the feeling.

Big hug. The first step's the hardest!
Nov. 1st, 2011 12:53 pm (UTC)
Good on you for wanting to make the effort and get out there again. I've been in this headspace before (and am actually kind of still in it, having made only one or two friends since moving to a new state two years ago) so I can definitely sympathize.

But you're right: you probably ARE writing off people that don't need to be written off. Why not let them stick around for a while, hmm? Best of luck to you.

Nov. 1st, 2011 12:53 pm (UTC)
maybe I was writing people off who I shouldn't be, even those who I wasn't that close to.

A similar admission on Facebook turned someone I know from an acquaintance I'd met once as a friend's girlfriend, into someone I am terribly close to indeed. She said (and says) I am able to say things she can't, and often as not it's ugly stuff.

My husband and I met through LJ at a time when I was very depressed and pouring my heart out. He helped me through that, and he helps me still, as I do him.

You never know where these people you don't know very well will take you. Be bold, and mighty forces will come to your aid.
Nov. 1st, 2011 04:27 pm (UTC)
I identify with this. A lot a lot.
Nov. 1st, 2011 05:13 pm (UTC)
Courageous to write this piece. I do o.k. socially, but I think EVERYBODY suffers from this to one extent or another.

This entry proves you are thoughtful and self-aware, I bet you would be a great addition to anyone's group of friends.
Nov. 2nd, 2011 04:54 pm (UTC)
A great three words. I can really understand and sympathize.
Nov. 2nd, 2011 05:49 pm (UTC)
Wow. That's tough to admit, it's even tougher to confess. Amazing bit of being not at all afraid here, and thanks.
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( 48 comments — Leave a comment )